Git Outta Mah Country!

Nah, not really but as usual, summer is in Sydney and the tourists come packing in. If you're at Circular Quay, you'll be hard pressed finding an Australian accent. Chances are if you screamed something out in a foreign language you'd get necks whipping from all directions.

Us Sydney-siders can expect this tourism influx every year. In one way it doesn't bother me at all but in other way it's crap and I hate them all. I like that they come here and a lot of them are very nice and appreciate our awesome country. I like the ones that walk through the city open mouthed pointing upwards. But then there are the others who treat Australia like a "holiday destination" (translation: place where public fountains = public shower)

British tourists:

Acting like naff mingers. I'd have to say British tourists are my least favourite. You can burn the pale off a pom but it'll still request poached eggs from every restaurant.

Good example: The ones with charming accents

Bad examples: The ones that were splashing around the fountain in Martin Place, the ones that get drunk and fall asleep on the street, the ones who call Australia "convict country"?!??

American tourists:

This is a mixed bag, you can tell them by their shorts, caps and "fanny packs". Usually if walking down the street an American accent can be heard from across the street. However, I don't seem to mind the American tourists right now, some of them are REALLY friendly though if I was caught in a lift with one, the Pussycat Dolls would be loosenin' up some really bloody elevator buttons.

Good example: An American man in front of me when buying coffee telling the waiter how great Australia is and how it's a beautiful country. I wanted to rub kittens against him.

Bad example: American man on the bus to Bondi repeating "SNAPS IS THE NAME OF THE GAME" a thousand times to strangers. Then saying things like "OH DO YOU HAVE AN OSSSSSIE ACCENT?". I wanted to cage feral cats, shake the cages then release the cats on him.

German tourists:

I've had no problem with German tourists. They're SO polite if you talk to them, although sometimes it's annoyingly polite.

French tourists:

You'll know French tourists when you scan a room and you see someone in the corner in black and white, black bars above and below them, smoking... with subtitles appearing everytime they speak. They're ok though I didn't fall in love with the one spitting on the street.

Central Europeans:

Fantastic!

Horny Eastern Europeans:

These women walk around like sexual predators. They don't go jogging down the street, they go jiggling making eyes at everything that moves and sometimes phallic shaped parking meters.

Strange example: Romanian family at the ferry wharf. The ferry was right behind them and the father rang the emergency button to speak to an operator to ask when the next ferry arrives. His thick accent troubled the operator who stayed patient while the man didn't... so he started smoking.

Then the mother took a picture of the son in front of the water who posed by standing stiff not smiling. Hmmm?

Asian tourists:

Still the same ratio except in larger groups. They sometimes act like cartoon characters when they see the Opera House with lots of OOOOOHHHHH AHHHHHHs which is better than hearing "Oh, it's a lot whiter in pictures"

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This tourism vacuum is something we can all prepare for. So to all my locals, make sure for the next month and a bit, you dress well and behave nicely so they can appreciate our sunburnt country. (Then we can charge them even more for bottled water, hoo HAAA).

So either be kind or form a scheme to get rich from them. Here's what I've thought of so far...

1. If you work in a cafe, draw in a little box on the bill saying "Tips" then print on the menu a note saying"Standard surcharge/tip 80%"

2. Film these 'liberated' tanned foreigners on vacation and put it on the internet.

3. Sell Koalas: Just shave some rats in Hyde Park, stick on some felt ears and sell them as baby koalas.

4. Open a B&B with cheap rates. It doesn't matter if you only have one bed, just stack the tourists into the same bed in a logical pyramid fashion. (Eastern European Weightlifters ---> Voluptious Mediterannians ---> and so on in that order)

5. Grab your car and put up stupid ads for something hackneyed like "THE G'DAY AUSSIE BLOODY AWESOME DREAMTIME ADVENT-CHA!". Then charge $90 and drive them to Central and give them a Veronicas' CD smeared with Vegemite.

Whatever you do, most importantly, *cue Disney music* remember that there are certain cultural differences to be tolerant of... that we're all the same on the inside and that smile is "hello" in EVERY language...

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but also that they're guests in our country so any stereotypes you form about them is their fault. ^_^

What do you think of the Summer Tourist Invasion (STI) or the Surplus Tourist Domination (STD)? Any experiences? Any get-rich schemes? Add a comment...