Australian Idol: Top 12 - An Ethnic Mess
September 10th 2006 12:40
1 New-Zealander, 1 Part Indonesian Blend, Another Polynesian, An Irishman, A walking chin, A redneck woman, A Maltese, A coal miner’s daughter, The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn and some mutton (born in the UK) and 2 other anglo minorities.
The set looks like some rejected MTV show set, or even Nelly Furtado’s new music video except without the thumbing bass line and Toby. Marcia Hines’ voice is rough tonight, no doubt from screaming at Deni for embarrassing her with her music attempts.
The show starts with them saying the same thing they say every time... As 10 000 000 000 people started, 12 remain after all the NAIL BITING auditions and blahblahblah
So first up...
Dean Geyer
Teddy Geiger – For You I Will
As he is Seth Efriken, Den Geyeh seys every vewel lek en eh.
“Meh grendfether hes eh let ev the queleties thet eh lek efteh” (South African for "My grandfather has a lot of the qualities that I look after"
His performance his competent but unspectacular. There's nothing else I can say... he's bleh from my perspective of not a tween girl.
Though anyone who get Mark to say “KACHING KACHING KACHING” a million times, deserves a pat on the back (with a freakin mace!)
Joseph Gatehau
I’d nickname him “JoGa” but that would be ridiculing to the Bjork song.
Joseph's video package features him saying how cute he looks.
He says that at the age of 6 he grabbed his dad’s guitar and started playing… with such an addictive personality, it's a relief his weak mind didn't find heroin needles on that day instead.
He sings Richard Marx – Right Here Waiting and it's more Studio A with Simon Burke musak tripe. He surfs a pitchy faltering tone and does the key-change stand-up Boy-zone hyphen-overload cliché.
He’s probably got potential but he definitely shouldn’t have quit school to do this competition.
Kyle calls his song choice pathetic, Kyle gets a 1.
Jessica Mauboy
The Pussycat Dolls - Stickwitchu
Jessica explains her troubled youth when she stole prosthetic Mexican instruments so she could have larger breasts... as in she used to put Maracas down her shirt.
She sings Stickwitchu, and she’s not bad… again. I would have preferred her to sing Buttons while walking over to Kyle and flirtatiously unscrewing his fibreglass head revealing the rusty mechatronics beneath.
Kyle says her leopard prints look like Target, then Marcia says that some of her best friends shop at Target. However Marcia has told us in the past that her best friends include Kylie Minogue, Tania Doko and Jesus, so it sounds like whopping lie.
Damien Leigh
U2 – With Or Without You
He says he used to sing heavy metal so I see possibility for him but then Andrew G says he’s going to sing U2 and fog of overrated weak contempo-rock drifts midair.
He’s good, even though he sings a song I hate and he didn't go overboard with the falsetto. I have hope for him.
Marcia brings it all back to her and her boice, at least she can still do her sassy ghetto head swivel. Mark recommends he should have sang it with a Celtic twist... WTF?
Ricky Muscat
Craig David – Walking Away
More R B lite from the Anthony Callea lite, I hope the theme weeks will bring out SOME sort of diversity.
James says something about how he plays footy as well as he sings, so he must play football like a weaker pastiche of other players.
Regardless, he sings well and I think he’s more complete than a lot of the others but there's only room for so many pretty boys in this competition. They'll probably be eating themselves soon.... I probably should have phrased that to sound less homosexual.
Mark: BOOM CRACK WIGGITY WHACK
Marcia: “Show yo HAART and those with power so deep will know that the river below boils blood… blood of non believers" *theme from Lion King plays in background*
Kyle: I love your pants *drools*
Lisa Mitchell
Crowded House – Fall At Your Feet
I’m thrilled her performance was different from the rest of them up to now, but she still seems like a crystal flower that would shatter in a harsh wind. I don’t mean that in the “oh it’s so vulnerable and beautiful” way I mean that in the “crack something by sneezing” way.
She's interesting, but she's drowned out by the music and looks dazed. Lisa seems to sing the same 5 notes, they’re good notes and some of the best songs ever are composed of 5 notes (see Crazy Frog Song), but she’s limited.
Mark asks the audience if they thing she stuffed it up, though the audience on whole is like this hungry "slow" child who you can only ask yes/no questions to.
Latifa Williams (i know her real name!)
Alicia Keys – If I Aint Got You
An inventive song choice… Alicia Keys…. I’m sure even Alicia watches Idol and is all “WTF?? Me again? This people have the musical vocabulary of a foetus”
She probably has the best voice in the competiton, but she has nothing special to offer. I hope to be proven wrong. Australians may not appreciate her massive confidence, we seem to prefer Lisa Mitchell types.
Mark: I would have to be a puffin muffin to say you’re not dancing on the edge of diva-dom
Kyle: Your hat makes you look fat, maybe you could ask Ricky Muscat to give his pants to you so I could see him naked.
I WISH I were exaggerating that time.
Chris Murphy
In his video package, they don’t show the camera on brother Courtney Murphy so we aren’t reminded of how his career hasn’t taken off.
We see Chris' support of child labour as he is shown being pushed on a swing by his children. I guess it's a certain demographic to appeal to.
He sings Powderfinger - Wish You Well. He has a good sound and a small nose. It’s just a pity about his other severe physical limitations, if he looked gayer like Muscat he’d have more of a fighting chance.
Klancie Keogh
Dolly Parton – Joline
Klancie’s looking hot to trot around the races tonight. And at last, A song with a discernable BEAT!!! Most of the other song have been low to mid-tempo "Best of Westfield" sounding things.
Klancie has become my current favourite, even if she’s all country western.
She’s better than apparent goddess Lisa Mitchell.
Mutton
U2 – Where The Streets Have No Name
I have anti-U2 bias, but I’ll put it aside for Mutto. The oldies definitely have better stage presence than the youngun’s who wander aimlessly and agitatedly like they’re looking for public toilets.
He’s so average but they gush their ephemeral faux-judge goo all over his frictionless cranium. Unfortunately he’ll probably be one of the first to go like the amazing Tarni last year. He just seems out of place here, but he'll get a boost in the pub circuit. Prove me wrong mutton!
Reigan Derry
George – Breathe In Now
She doesn't hit all the notes well but she's chosen a song i've never heard a ringtone version of, so that's a big plus. Something a bit different is always thrilling, so she’s become my favourite.
Mark pops out his catheter cord from his reaction to Reigan’s hotness. “You send a fire down my wire” ew , I’m sure Benson and Stabler are doing a background check as we speak.
Kyle shows his ineptitude by admitting he doesn’t know the song, proving that he really did materialise as ooze under a rock recently.
The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn
Cold Chisel – When The War Is Over
Sideshow Bob rolls out on a unicycle with a slide-whistle. The whole performance he tilts his head to the left like Jane Turner’s parody of Princess Diana.
In spite of that he performs really well, I’m so glad this competition has someone with an edge at last. It's ironic though because If he looked like Ricky Muscat, he probably wouldn’t be so engaging but as he looks now… he doesn’t appeal and the triple J crowd couldn’t bear to buy anything Idol. So it's a Flynny-chin of a problem.
The sad fact is the only product which would boost sales by having his face on it would be diaphragms.
Joseph was the weakest tonight but his looks might keep him in.
What do you think of our Top 12? Who's going? Add a comment...
The set looks like some rejected MTV show set, or even Nelly Furtado’s new music video except without the thumbing bass line and Toby. Marcia Hines’ voice is rough tonight, no doubt from screaming at Deni for embarrassing her with her music attempts.
The show starts with them saying the same thing they say every time... As 10 000 000 000 people started, 12 remain after all the NAIL BITING auditions and blahblahblah
So first up...
Dean Geyer
Teddy Geiger – For You I Will
As he is Seth Efriken, Den Geyeh seys every vewel lek en eh.
“Meh grendfether hes eh let ev the queleties thet eh lek efteh” (South African for "My grandfather has a lot of the qualities that I look after"
His performance his competent but unspectacular. There's nothing else I can say... he's bleh from my perspective of not a tween girl.
Though anyone who get Mark to say “KACHING KACHING KACHING” a million times, deserves a pat on the back (with a freakin mace!)
Joseph Gatehau
I’d nickname him “JoGa” but that would be ridiculing to the Bjork song.
Joseph's video package features him saying how cute he looks.
He says that at the age of 6 he grabbed his dad’s guitar and started playing… with such an addictive personality, it's a relief his weak mind didn't find heroin needles on that day instead.
He sings Richard Marx – Right Here Waiting and it's more Studio A with Simon Burke musak tripe. He surfs a pitchy faltering tone and does the key-change stand-up Boy-zone hyphen-overload cliché.
He’s probably got potential but he definitely shouldn’t have quit school to do this competition.
Kyle calls his song choice pathetic, Kyle gets a 1.
Jessica Mauboy
The Pussycat Dolls - Stickwitchu
Jessica explains her troubled youth when she stole prosthetic Mexican instruments so she could have larger breasts... as in she used to put Maracas down her shirt.
She sings Stickwitchu, and she’s not bad… again. I would have preferred her to sing Buttons while walking over to Kyle and flirtatiously unscrewing his fibreglass head revealing the rusty mechatronics beneath.
Kyle says her leopard prints look like Target, then Marcia says that some of her best friends shop at Target. However Marcia has told us in the past that her best friends include Kylie Minogue, Tania Doko and Jesus, so it sounds like whopping lie.
Damien Leigh
U2 – With Or Without You
He says he used to sing heavy metal so I see possibility for him but then Andrew G says he’s going to sing U2 and fog of overrated weak contempo-rock drifts midair.
He’s good, even though he sings a song I hate and he didn't go overboard with the falsetto. I have hope for him.
Marcia brings it all back to her and her boice, at least she can still do her sassy ghetto head swivel. Mark recommends he should have sang it with a Celtic twist... WTF?
Ricky Muscat
Craig David – Walking Away
More R B lite from the Anthony Callea lite, I hope the theme weeks will bring out SOME sort of diversity.
James says something about how he plays footy as well as he sings, so he must play football like a weaker pastiche of other players.
Regardless, he sings well and I think he’s more complete than a lot of the others but there's only room for so many pretty boys in this competition. They'll probably be eating themselves soon.... I probably should have phrased that to sound less homosexual.
Mark: BOOM CRACK WIGGITY WHACK
Marcia: “Show yo HAART and those with power so deep will know that the river below boils blood… blood of non believers" *theme from Lion King plays in background*
Kyle: I love your pants *drools*
Lisa Mitchell
Crowded House – Fall At Your Feet
I’m thrilled her performance was different from the rest of them up to now, but she still seems like a crystal flower that would shatter in a harsh wind. I don’t mean that in the “oh it’s so vulnerable and beautiful” way I mean that in the “crack something by sneezing” way.
She's interesting, but she's drowned out by the music and looks dazed. Lisa seems to sing the same 5 notes, they’re good notes and some of the best songs ever are composed of 5 notes (see Crazy Frog Song), but she’s limited.
Mark asks the audience if they thing she stuffed it up, though the audience on whole is like this hungry "slow" child who you can only ask yes/no questions to.
Latifa Williams (i know her real name!)
Alicia Keys – If I Aint Got You
An inventive song choice… Alicia Keys…. I’m sure even Alicia watches Idol and is all “WTF?? Me again? This people have the musical vocabulary of a foetus”
She probably has the best voice in the competiton, but she has nothing special to offer. I hope to be proven wrong. Australians may not appreciate her massive confidence, we seem to prefer Lisa Mitchell types.
Mark: I would have to be a puffin muffin to say you’re not dancing on the edge of diva-dom
Kyle: Your hat makes you look fat, maybe you could ask Ricky Muscat to give his pants to you so I could see him naked.
I WISH I were exaggerating that time.
Chris Murphy
In his video package, they don’t show the camera on brother Courtney Murphy so we aren’t reminded of how his career hasn’t taken off.
We see Chris' support of child labour as he is shown being pushed on a swing by his children. I guess it's a certain demographic to appeal to.
He sings Powderfinger - Wish You Well. He has a good sound and a small nose. It’s just a pity about his other severe physical limitations, if he looked gayer like Muscat he’d have more of a fighting chance.
Klancie Keogh
Dolly Parton – Joline
Klancie’s looking hot to trot around the races tonight. And at last, A song with a discernable BEAT!!! Most of the other song have been low to mid-tempo "Best of Westfield" sounding things.
Klancie has become my current favourite, even if she’s all country western.
She’s better than apparent goddess Lisa Mitchell.
Mutton
U2 – Where The Streets Have No Name
I have anti-U2 bias, but I’ll put it aside for Mutto. The oldies definitely have better stage presence than the youngun’s who wander aimlessly and agitatedly like they’re looking for public toilets.
He’s so average but they gush their ephemeral faux-judge goo all over his frictionless cranium. Unfortunately he’ll probably be one of the first to go like the amazing Tarni last year. He just seems out of place here, but he'll get a boost in the pub circuit. Prove me wrong mutton!
Reigan Derry
George – Breathe In Now
She doesn't hit all the notes well but she's chosen a song i've never heard a ringtone version of, so that's a big plus. Something a bit different is always thrilling, so she’s become my favourite.
Mark pops out his catheter cord from his reaction to Reigan’s hotness. “You send a fire down my wire” ew , I’m sure Benson and Stabler are doing a background check as we speak.
Kyle shows his ineptitude by admitting he doesn’t know the song, proving that he really did materialise as ooze under a rock recently.
The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn
Cold Chisel – When The War Is Over
Sideshow Bob rolls out on a unicycle with a slide-whistle. The whole performance he tilts his head to the left like Jane Turner’s parody of Princess Diana.
In spite of that he performs really well, I’m so glad this competition has someone with an edge at last. It's ironic though because If he looked like Ricky Muscat, he probably wouldn’t be so engaging but as he looks now… he doesn’t appeal and the triple J crowd couldn’t bear to buy anything Idol. So it's a Flynny-chin of a problem.
The sad fact is the only product which would boost sales by having his face on it would be diaphragms.
Joseph was the weakest tonight but his looks might keep him in.
What do you think of our Top 12? Who's going? Add a comment...
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Comment by Dohnyale
So you notice her accent too.
Stoppit Maaaahk!!!
Comment by Anonymous
joseph, mutto & jessica or (i hope) klancie